i have been meaning to write here...i was just reading a bit of the last update i wrote...sound like a weirdo. bleh.
( Read more... )

omg! i has a trainer at the gym...i wasn't even really going for that. It just sort of happened. Tho it is true that most of the trainers i talk to are all like, YEH I WILL TRAIN YOU IF YOU MASSAGE ME.
Maybe my unconscious made my conscious self do it, because ive been disappointed with myself for being a lazy bastart. thats right, bastart, for not exercising consistently.
i am excited but nervous.
i felt a fool, going thru the equifit thingie, where they take your weight and make you do pushups and squats and run on the treadmill and negative numbered pullups and do the caliper thing.
yes thats right, the CALIPER THINGIE. where they pinch your flab.
i just really haven't gotten used to doing work out type things with others, and get embarrassed.
i liked the part where MHNT, thats the Abbreviation for My Hawt New Trainer (LOLOL), wrote down the goals for the next three to six months. he thinks i'll be able to do pull ups! i haven't been able to do that since high school! ...possibly middle school. and also, apparently my body fat percentage will go down also, which you know, is good. even tho apparently i dont weigh nearly as much as i thought i did. i like that number and i like that that number could go down as well as me being able to have really good form for push ups...and PULL UPS. i am so freaking exciting about the pull ups part.
i wonder if i'll keep it on. its a commitment of 3/4 times a week.
i always wondered what would happen if i kept exercising correctly for months and months on end, what i would look like, what i would be able to do.
anyway there is more, dont feel like going into it.
excited but nervous, i am most excited about being able to do things properly, like doing push ups well, using the equipment properly, and establishing a routine and knowing what the crap i am doing and doing well. and not hurting my body and stuff also. you know, good stuff. good things. that i cant do on my own.
the best part of this is that he is all trained and objective and will help.
mergh. i think i has a cavity in my moufs.

Thats a random thing I heard while walking on lexington uptown towards that bar, which was on the west side, dummy.
( Read more... )

I rather like that title, great name for a band.
Okay, theres too moshe, I am putting it under a cut.
Happy Holidays!
( Read more... )

Kee.
Update time.
Lets see. The guys saw an embarrassing old claymation film of mine, and in return, I saw old videos of theirs. Short movies, really. And video footage of their trips to this cabin on a lake, where they drink as many mountain dews as humanly not possible on the way, then play poker and go rock hopping on a river once they get there. Then they go polar bear swimming. I saw A. look scary skinny and young. And D. with long hair! Rawr! It was all very interesting. I felt wistful, interested, and weird about not having been there.
What else. Went to florida. Guess I don't really feel like talking about it. Pretty normal, being what it was. I tell you, flying at night on a plane is worth the ticket cost alone.
The guys all went upstate for thanksgiving and i love having the place to myself. Just cuz. I like being by myself. And sometimes they drive me crazy. They put coffee grounds down the bathroom sink. They keep leaving the house doors open, a la Shaun of the Dead. Its hard to get the things I want done, versus what they are doing the moment I arrive home, if that makes any sense. Maybe I didn't plan on playing portal from start to finish all day. Thats not really a complaint. Not really.
Mm. what else. They are great, they really are. When I am here by myself, I can't hear them sword fighting in the next room, practicing, and breaking the overhead light fixture. It exasperates D., but it makes me smile. Why you think I wear slippers in the house?
I have been feeling sickish lately. Yesterday morning, I was on a crowded train, fighting motion sickness, whatever kind of sickness it is, wearing heavy layers on a hot crowded train, and i felt that cold sweatyness and my vision going dark and feeling so shaky. i even had been loosening my scarf and unbuttoning my coat from my own stifling heat, when I felt some reverse peristalsis going on. Panicking, cuz there was no actual place to vomit, I fled the train at 138th st, which I always thought was a useless train stop. No more. A helpful fuzzman offered to call a medic for me, since I felt (and most likely looked like) some death coming on. I mean, I have felt sick before, and who doesnt dread the express train crush on the subways-but getting to be THAT sick makes me feel...more dread. Mew. I hate feeling that. It affects me the whole day, emotionally, physically.
I still feel the way deep, beyond muscle deep, soreness in my abdominals. It makes me feel ill all over again. I try not to think about it.
I am not feeling too hot, and I totally went to sleep last night around 8 at night.
Oh yeah, forgot to mention the other thing that i prolly shouldnt write about. I did some thing and it made my face get all weird. Like scary dry and anything I put on it would make my face burn. It was really odd to me to touch my face and not recognize its texture and i was totally a scaly monster. Tho D., even the gentleman, said I just looked like I was blushing. I have no idea what caused it or how to stop it. Its happened twice now, and is gradually going away. But nothing helps it, just time. I think the first time mightve been cuz i was bored at the spa and just started putting lotion on my face. This second time, it just started happening on my way back to NY, i think. Its just majorly annoying and EWWNESS. Ehh. I just hope it doesnt come back. I think its going away again. At least anything I put on it today didnt burn. So i am pretty sure its going away. I wish I knew what it was. Its just. I have never really had a big problem with the skin on my face, so its just frustrating.
I am hoping to relax with no one around and recuperate. I like people and all, but I also like having no people around. In this city, there is always some person. Some fluorescent light. I'd like a little quiet, a little darkness. I would also love a little kitten.

lesseee...
what is going on.
im supposed to visit florida next month. i will see my dad and my niece and hopefully ren, to see her show at the university. NOT looking forward to the airport bits. but florida shall be delightfully warm! maybe i will go to the BEEEEEEEEACH.
work is driving me crazy...im trying to stop at one location as it is just not worth it to work there anymore. which is too bad, the people are nice there, they like me.
i just feel...i dont know. it took a lot of thinking and feelings for me to say, you know, i will just not do it anymore. it was angst city for a bit, i wondered if i was just no good at what i was doing but its totally not that. i talked to lots of people and got lots of opinions, i thought about it and i made a decision. hopefully it will all be done by the end of this month.
i want to go upstate and i tried but it sort of didnt work-tho on the upside i got a saturday off, so it was wonderful to hang out with d. we went to the botanical gardens and spent most of the time in the conservatory, collecting seeds and taking our time to enjoy all the plants. there was a wonderful collection of bonsai so i learned more about it than i knew before. and yes, bonsai are much cooler than you think. and and they showed you how you could sort of create your own, or at least get started.
and they have this great exhibit now with japanese chrysanthemums-they sort of espaliere them which is really cool. it was especially cool to me that that method was something that is actually common to do in different cultures (i saw espaliered trees at the cloisters)-and i wondered if it was cross cultural, or if different countries just did this on their own (amazn). it was so relaxing and so nice to spend the day that way. d. got me a lotus seed pod.
so we have mice. d. is NOT happy about it at all. he says its embarrassing. i am prolly the only person who doesnt mind them. personally i think if the guys would try for less mess they wouldnt even be here. i put on the movie ratatouille for us to watch one morning in honor of the new furry roommates, and two teeny mice suddenly darted out, chased each other into a.'s room and danced back out to come at us and go under the couch. that was pretty funny.
its actually many stories involving the mice-one night after i retired the guys were up and. mice shenanigans. i. almost caught one, but the mouse darted under his feet to hide in his shadow...long story short. the guys stayed up that night-you guessed it, creating a better mousetrap. i was impressed. somehow, one mouse got into the hanging basket thing where we keep garlic and beans. HOW did that mouse get up there?!
we have caught five so far.
i vote for borrowing r.'s cat, hopper, to catch them. but only cuz i want a cat in the house.
myeh. dun want to go to work today. i cant remember anything else for now.
a. makes the most. delicious. scones. i have EVER eaten.
we made beef stew the other day. i have NEVER had homemade beef stew.
a. made chili, and i got to have a bowl without beans, the way i likes it.
d. made this weird thing, like eggie in a basket, baked an egg in homemade bread.
and a baked apple with french toast stuffing, where the core had been. i had never had a baked apple before, let me tell you, its the most delicious thing. oh em geeeee.
ooh. i could go for one of those right now.
im gonna get as fat as a pet pony. fabulus! :p

entire roast turkey, stuffed with stuffing made with german black bread, home-made sausage. mashed potatoes, gravy from the turkey.
green salad with snow peas, cashews and other nuts, apples, cheese.
pumpkin pie with homemade crust, pumpkin from our garden, whipped cream we shook up ourselves with amaretto.
coffee with the whipped cream also.

and then end that all with a two hour game of settlers of catan.

oh oh! and last night we made bread bowls, and used the bread from the bowl part to make the croutons (oh em gee).
then we made caesar salad with chicken, snow peas, mushrooms.
and end with dan-made smoothies with peaches, milk, yogurt i forget what else.

oh my god FOOD.

MMmmm. lets see.
this was awhile ago, but id like to remember it. d. and i went to the bronx zoo to draw the aminals. it was so great because the zoo is so large. hands down my favorite part was the aviary because the building itself is of some futuristic weird design that spirals up. And the birds inside were so intelligent, we definitely spent a few hours up in there. the bamboo glade part with the snow leopard and cranes were also a favorite and the rodent house too, for me. oh and the monkeys.
lets see, what else. it was d's birthday so i got a pinata. wasnt sure if that was a good idea, but i thought it would be fun, something for everyone to participate in. but i worried that it was...childish or silly. but they all liked it so yay. they were like YEAH HITTING THING! DESTROY IT!!
and better still, the pinata is still put to use-we keep hiding the torso for others to find-in somebody's bed when they wake up, for instance.
i. taught me to smoke pot. surprisingly, tho i HATE cigarette smoke, pot smoke didnt even really make me cough. but i prolly wasnt doing it very deeply. and, nothing really affected me. which is all right, i suppose. could always try it again to see what happens. but he was a good guy about it, to share and teach me and talk with me while he got high.
there havent been shenanigans at the apartment, only really of a sort, but it wasnt that bad.
it was just the gross sink, which i of course cleaned and almost gagged about it. but when the guys came home after the weekend we all discussed it and theyre being lovely about cleaning up after themselves...so far. ^___^
they say that they are tidier, which i smile at but dont very much believe. i dont mind cleaning, is the thing, but i get cranky at the thought of me always cleaning up their mess and them not seeing it or appreciating what i do-sometimes they say they dont notice the mess, which drives me CRAZY. but maybe im a control freak.
oh who am i kidding, i totally am. but i feel like im not a complete control freak, otherwise i might nag or clean every five seconds.
but its a small price to pay to live with such great guys, you know. as much as they can make me sigh and sometimes argh about our differences.
and best yet, weve figured out the food bit. cuz, truth be told, our dinners are prolly the best people our age prolly eat. healthy dinners. sometimes eaten outside on the porch, with candles.
but i worried about that too, im not used to such communal living. there was never much food in the house! and i wasnt about to carry food for four to the subway, not when I. has a CAR. HECK NAW.
but its all settled now.
i work a lot. sometimes i even work on my day off. i work at three different locations. i wanted to settle down with two, maybe one, but im not there yet.
im trying to choose between two different equinox gyms, but...its difficult. one location is def slower than the other, but at that location, im being trained on all the software and things, which im hoping can get me a higher position...and its hard because they loooove me at both locations, like im so awesome somehow. psh.
and the third...first place i started work at, i feel loyal to them, i like the people, its familiar there.
eh, i dunno.
im dissatisfied somehow. i want to be better. i want to have a different job, tho i do like my job now. i just dont want it to be full time thing... i want to be a better person. an awesome, stylish, outgoingly confident person. ahh, i figure that is human nature.
i want to be less lazy, less afraid...
i forget what else is new.

wow. last entry, four weeks ago?
huh.
um, well, lots has happened. would LOVE to write it all down, so that i can reread it and be all happy but its too busy for that to ever happen. i guess.
i moved to the bronx again. living with the guys, and its funny coz ian said the same exact sitcom idea without me saying it.
it was all very sudden.
theyre messy, but i think its a relief to know nice, messy guys.
id be terribly suspicious if they were hot awesome cool TIDY guys.
and they like my cooking, like a lot. if that doesnt flatter a girl i dont know what does.
my mum and sister visited and it was stressful.
it was fun, but...stressful. they were scared, my sister didnt even want to be here. they couldnt understand the concept of riding the subway or walking everywhere. they nearly fell down the first time on a subway, even tho i was like, 'you might want to hang onto something.' i was just so surprised that my mom would even ever do something like that...she hates doon stuff. and she had never been to the city.
we went to FAO Schwarz, and my mom even went on that giant keyboard thing!
and dan came with us for dinner and the bronx zoo and i was soooooooo nervous.
meeting my family in a boyfriendly way AND havn me move in with in the same weekend?
what if he saw how i acted toward them and didnt like me anymore?
as it was, he was way nice with them, and my sister was on him like white on snow.
afterwards, i learned he was not actually feeln very patient and thought i was amazingly patient!
<3...couldve knocked me down with a feather.
but hes always bein sooooooooooooo awesome like that. smitten!
they visited me the WEEKEND I had to mooooove. i was like aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
it was quite the ordeal. why do i have so much SHIT?!
dan was all excited about me moving, but i was not so much. i didnt want him too see how many shoes and boxes of clothing i own. >_< plus, he helped me move. and roger and rosie helped us move with their truck! it was kind of them, i couldve cried, on account of all the shit to move, i mean.
i saw pixy and jill on sunday and it was so fun. cant wait for them to settle down somewheres so we can all properly hang out. they should come here. im worried about them getting a place, tho, too.
its not easy, bein' on yer own in an apartment, with rent and bills...
i finally got the job at the gym, tho im finagling...how do you spell that?
finangling...manuevering to get a job at a different location, one that isnt open on weekends!
im in ecstasy about getting membership to such an espensive classy gym and trainers!
dunno what else.
ian ate the mac and cheese i made to get me thru lunch all week...he was all cute and sad, so dan made me a sangwich and left it for me this morning, 'hopn to make me many more sandwiches in the future'. aaaaaaaaw

i wanna take a web design class...
i has too many projects and im so laaaaaaaaaazy.
im reading 'twilight' by stephanie meyers. dun see what all the fuss is aboot yet.
i had my second facial ever today at work. it was amazingly wonderful. tho the part where they like extract stuff from your pores is traumatic. i was in heaven with the mask and massage bits.
i think its a fun thing to try...very pamperly, you know.
ima go.

( Read more... )

maybe this is just some of the unneccessary and ugly inner workings of my brain, but i dun understand why there isnt more chaos in new york city. i mean, im sure there is, theres murders, and muggings, and drugs, and people trying to steal my groceries and stuff.
one time, this dude started cursing me and threw his still lit cigarette butt at me...he was so angry...but that was honest, and true, do you know what i mean? well, i know...he called me a cracker, so i have to assume he was cursing my rich white ass. lol. but T_T. wish i were rich. he couldve had a correct sort of anger toward me.
it startled me, i didnt understand, i didnt have his story, but i respect his feelings, you know? if any harm had come to myself, im sure id have felt differently.
but chaos...i mean, i live in the bronx, and yeah, sometimes i feel uncomfy...but its not...chaotic.
everyone minds their own businesses, no one touches anybody. i thought, i could totally steal that dude's sammich and run off the subway onto the street or on another train and whats anybody gonna do? Nothin'!
i could push somebody, and who's gonna stop me?
theres these homeless people, and what do they all do?
they sit there, and maybe annoy you with their litanies, but really, they could totally grab at you until you shriek and throw your change at them, thats pretty much the only way i'd give money, since i dont even try to carry actual money on my person.
If I were homeless, i'd have nothing to lose, why have such good polite manners, and wait for the few people who do, throw me pennies and quarters? Eff that Ess. Instead of annoying them, i'd cough on their food instead of whining or guilting about wanting it.
Instead of sitting on my bum, i'd be writing or drawing or dancing in order to either earn that money since i have nothing better to do like work. Personally, who ever gets money for just sitting there, never moving? maybe that sounds really awful, but i just mean. personally, i would be unable to sit idle all day like i see. i would take up the pen or the dance because you know, some editors dig that shit and you know, have you ever danced for strangers? i like doon things sometimes just because i know i never would, otherwise. im not judging people, i havent been there, im just sayn. personally, thats me.
And youre homeless, you could cause all sorts of The Joker-like but harmless shenanigans like swiping ice cream cones and who could find you? I have no idea if all the cops from all the districts will band together to have it out for you, they have way more to worry about.
is this making any sense?
Its a huuuuuuuge city, no one knows the person next to them from...Adam, and. No one uses it! You could, you could like. Pretend to fall asleep on them, or whisper nonsense in their ears, or poke people wordlessly and stare on a crowded train until out of fright, they gave up their seat.
Everyone is...so...well behaved.
We're like...sheep or something.
I dont think i have like this urge to create mayhem or anything, i just. Im surprised by all this politeness. Its a big anonymous dirty ugly effen city. Why are we all in little tiny bubbles?

Kee!
Lets see...according to Livejournal, i updated this biznitch three weeks ago.
Hard to believe, but we all know the internets does not lie.
Let us see.
I work:
i still like my job. its really weird to like a job this much. but it is true that i am looking for other jobs, too. as this one is somewhat...unpredictable sometimes!
id rather massage be a part time thing, really.
out of the blue, i got a call from a gym about a job...with a pool!! benefits! free gym membership!...but when i got there early, i waited for an hour, and the interviewer talked my ear off and was rather...uhhh inept? i was not impressed.
but i will call back on monday, cuz im so awesome...and they have a POOL.
I am DYING for a swim...if i dun get the job, its off to Orchard Beach for me, crazy crowds or no.
Its weird...I have gotten really good at massage. Im not being immodest, but observant. I felt some sort of physical shift over time, and the compliments are crazy frequent. its just something i noticed and was like, huh, how bout that.
i used to get worried that i wasnt strong enough...it was so adorable today, this woman was like, "You're strong...but you're so TINY! So...TINY."
I can pretty much crush a six foot something guy or put him to sleep with my hands.
Its all good.
Money is good.

I visit teh Bronx:
I visit Dan Ian and Co. pretty pretty often. We cook delicious fudz. Simple foods, but good. its just a way that ive never eaten before. i totally grew up on microwaveable foods and canned fruit.
Salmon with grated lemon peels, beans, pilaf with nuts, mango pie and shrimp pesto is pretty new to me. i am learning a lot about foods that i never really ate before because i hadnt really been exposed to them.
i was so proud when the mango pie came out as an enormous hit and Dan thanked me cuz he never really knew about mango and never wouldve made it on his own...its true, tho, not too many people work with mangos, theyre so hard to prepare you know? unless you know how to cut them properly. I am expert by now. I have a way.
Mangos are in season right now, OH EM GEE.
i eat one of those things everyday cuz...i do.
Its just interesting...you know, looking at the way you interact with food, with people.
i dont really understand it and can articulate it well, but i do know that its interesting. im getting used to a person talking to me everyday, calling me and letting me know what theyre doing, and knowing roughly what i am doing when im not with them.
its so weird how the same actions from different people affect you.
sometimes i wonder, is this freaking me out? do i feel smothered? or just flustered cuz you know...ive never had this before. i dont know how to react smoothly.
if certain people called me everyday, i just KNOW id get all cranky. other people, they could call me everyday, itd be fine.
is it cuz their intentions are different? dunno.

Its nice to eat, watch movies, walk, sleep, talk, plan, shop for smoothie ingredients and exercise with someone. im so used to doing things alone that i want to be sure im doing it properly to the fullest extent of awesomeness, i mean, that they deserve. its just different, being with another person. but also natural, too, does that make sense? Its fine to be alone, i think you can be complete by yourself. i like being by myself. but i also think another person can make you better, by showing you another way to look at things, and teaching you things. by complementing you, i guess. im technical in my actions, emotional in my thinking. so its good when i meet someone emotional in their actions, and technical in their thinking. if that makes sense. we are new to each other.

I have a Plan. More than one, actually. They could actually be happening, slow as the process seems to crawl. They involve portfolios reviews, jewelry making, illustrations. theyre boring to read, if anyone reads this, but way exciting for me!!

I play:
I am slowly getting back to people. Cept Kristy. Thats the slowest part yet. Hung out with Jill and Pixy, Paul and Joey briefly. Good times! See Ren tomorrow! Weve been having lovely adultish meals and wine with Gareth, Patricia, Sarah, Ian etc...adultish cuz theyre older than me! but its hard to see us as adults.
My mum and sister say theyre gonna visit late august?
Im pretty terrified of that just cuz...well, its terrifying to be responsible for them. Im afraid theyll get lost, scared, sick here in the city. Its not a gentle slow or easy place. Especially if youve NEVER been here, like they have not been! I just want to keep them safe in an air conditioned apartment! I am worried bout that, i tell you what.
And work...i will have to take off from work to watch over them. Im scared they wont have a good time, i guess.

The other night i was like, "I wish there were kitties..." and a CAT walked out into the street! Like the gods heard me and were like, BOOM WISH GRANTED. i laughed.

Turns out starbucks sells smoothies, hence their signage, 'Everyday a new smoothie'.
I thought they were TEASING me, and being philosophical.
Everyday is a new smoothie indeed, i thought. we went in to use their bathroom, as i dun drink coffee, and the smoothies are no myth.
I feel pretty lucky. I feel pretty lucky, actually.

Date:	2008-07-11 00:23
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

new york city is a city of guilt.
an average day, central park: homeless man by the bridge near columbus circle told me to give him my bread, he hadnt eaten in five days, etc, wheres my id, how dare i invade his home, etc.
i was reading on the grass and a woman came up to me and asked if i read the bible, no? why not? was i against it? did i want this reading literature?
on the subway: 5 different approaches asking for money, a woman banging on a drum so loud it hurt my ears, a man with AIDS saying that Jesus blessed us, two kids selling candies to 'stay out of trouble'....i forget what else.
i felt guilty, alive and with my groceries that i keep putting off buying because i feel guilty having the food and others want it.

i feel confused.
i like wearing sunglasses so i can watch other people without looking like a creepy person.
i like to see what women are wearing.
i like looking at all the men and women.
and, bien sur, i ALWAYS forget to wear them...

lexington avenue always smells like ASS. everytime. whats up with that? SHUN NUH NUH TEH LEXINGTON.

we made pesto; i suggested ideas for new kinds of pesto...minto pesto, chili pesto, green tea pesto...
i guess ima try for a regular joe's design job in the fall.
i feel ungrateful and weird for being both uncomfortable and comfortable with this sort of unpredictable job. i did apply for a more predictable one...i feel fine either getting it or no.
i feel confused about...well, i wish there was someone i could talk to some things about, and i feel...there isnt really someone for that.
everyone is so busy. schedules dont mesh...
eh.
i em sleepys.

wall-e was good.
seeing people close to me...its always so. bittersweet, i guess.
whats up with that?
its hard to know what the prudent and wise and best thing for me to do is sometimes.
everything just seems...hunky dori. things work out, no matter what.

Hrm.
Update, update.
A buttload, i suppose. I feel lazy and cranky todays.
I heart Chrono Trigger!
I am prolly the last person to ever play it...im sure it was cute, how involved I got, and when Dan told me to pet the kitty and it mewed and followed me to score some points with the girl who lost it, i was all like YAYS
I wanna play more of that...
I wish I have been writing down the fun stuff I have been up to it...though I suppose on paper, or screen, rather, it sounds boring.
But it could never be boring to me.
We walked to the market for fresh fruit to make smoothies.
We made bread from scratch, I used an oolu...how do you spell that? that awesome ass blade to chop finely some almonds to go in the bread...
"I need more thyme!"
"I...cant give you anymore time..."
-and getting it from the pot on the porch to use in cooking.
Visitn the Botanical Gardens in the rain, explored where ever we wanted, off the tracks.
Even just lazn on the couch, watching anime til we get sleepy.
Every moment to me is just. precious. and its hard to talk about.

I has an interview tomorrow with a gym, not cuz i need a second job, i guess...but because i would like the benefits of workn there, lol.
i hear some of their other locations have a pool, so i was like, i am so there!

i guess ima go upstate this weekend...i feel sorta ehh about what to do with my weekend off, its like, free time? i has no idea what to do with that.
lately ive just been feeln sorta mellow and indecisive.
thinkn i make enough money, but feeln like i cant spend any.
i maka no sense.
its such a feeling that someone wants to talk to me everyday, several times in a day, even, could see me everyday, doesnt get annoyed by me, thinks im pretty and a number of other things, tells me so, cooks for me, shows me things, is patient with me, is so thoughtful and caring...even though hes known me for so long, and prolly hasnt seen me at my best so much maybe.
i want so much to give it back, tenfold. not just to reciprocate or to pay back or whatever, but because i feel the same way, you know. he deserves it. thats a person i like, admire, find interesting, and believe the world of. its like, he acts the way i wish i could act. he does and says what i wish i would...ooh im rambling.
i really cant esplain. ive never experienced this.
its quite overwhelming.

i want to go travel somewhere.
i can has cruise to hawaii, the carribean? someplace with a BEACH! WATERRRRRR! SWIMMIN!
...id like to see ari dan and jay. i saw their new vid and was struck by...friend sickness?
i also miss kitties, travel by car, eating dinner before 9 pm, fresh breezes and ummmmstuff. eh i should go.

I is at work.
I heard some cliche somewhere, about how maybe you need to let go of who you were to become who you are.
i feel like thats happening. ive gotten alarmingly good at letting some things go, but this is tough.
i like who i was, you know. if this is what is indeed happening. and there is a lot happening, i feel.
its hard to accept new things, even good, new things.
when the old things fit well enough, thank you very much.
its hard cuz im not unhappy but i am somehow. no, thats not right. not unhappy. worried.
this isnt what i thought my life would be like...but its not bad, either, argh!
i keep thinking, if i had this job, if i had more money...but why worry? i dont want to be the person who is never satisfied or grateful.
worrying unnecessarily...or am i?
im always like that...assuming the worst so i dont get a nasty surprise if the worst happens.
with people, with situations...
its only helpful to me, and even then only sometimes.
ah i dont know what im saying.
i want to create art.
i want to hang out with my friends more...
i want to not worry about paying loan payments...
i want to do design.
i want to relax more, worry less.
id like to do some more new things, and be myself, not shy or uncomfortable for some unfounded reason.
i think i have to get a second job, but i feel a bit paralyzed, or reluctant.
im mostly worried about money.
such a stupid unimportant thing in the end, bleah.
must needs go to work.

Effing loan consolidation.
Ima screeeeeeeeeeeeam.
for ice cream, hehe!

my friend beth is moving back upstate to the 'cuse, her own apartment, pool, and gets to keep her brooklyn job, telecommuting!
i realized that thats what I want...i do appreciate and enjoy the city, dont get me wrong...i fit in well here, i suppose. i manage just fine.
but i also feel sure that its not my Home home. if that makes any sense. i feel like i know myself, and what i want, very well.
im happy for her, and jealous in a good way, i told Beth.
if that makes any sense.
but sometimes the city bugs me in some way. important way. i never imagined living here my entire life. i definitely need more space, and water and trees that i dont need a subway or half hour ride to get to...eh.
whatevs. im happy but i know what i would like to work toward.
no rush...no worries.

Date:	2008-05-29 10:44
Subject:	"whats a feces?", "baby mice..." ,"Aww-wh!"
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

i has much to say...but of course, now with the keys in front of me...dont feel like putting any of it down. its funny how one minute you need to have the internet and your computer...and the next you dont at all.
i work in manhattan, live in the bronx, play in both places.
i am a fortunate person, to have a job, place to live, bills paid, and people who love me. i know they do now.
i have been tamed, comme le renard dans le petit prince. or at least i am getting there. such a...feeling. makes you understand what all the movies and songs are about. but if i make him even a fraction as happy as he makes me...hells to the yeah. no words for it, anyway. sounds, but no words.
it was a bit scary, sometimes still is...to see how much ive changed, in my thinking, mostly, i guess. change throughout college to now.
but i also think its a really great way to be. i just never imagined id think or feel the way i do now. then again, i guess, who does? i just...have always thought the same things, for so long. and now that i dont...ehh its just strange.
some things i must work on still, alwaysalways. mostly about projects that i should be working on. im grateful, tho. things could be worse.
i wish more of my friends were near me, though...i miss them. very much. i call but...we all be busy.
i miss kitties too. SO.MUCH.
i visited upstate last weekend...i thought it would be very strange to be there after so long, but it wasnt. it was actually sort of...nice, but EXHAUSTING.
strange to see all the changes tho there, yesyes. for some reason, i guess i never noticed changes as much. maybe when youre smaller, you dont?
strange to feel such change, all around and all through you. its hard to explain. i wonder whats going to happen next.
oh yeah, i finallyyyy remembered to check my grades-forgot, didnt care-but i kicked ass, without really trying, even with the whole job/moving/graduating stress going on.

i continue to be the only white girl living in the bronx. :p

Date:	2008-05-06 00:00
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

Mmm.
Dunno what to say.
Graduate in aboot a week.
I has a place to lives in the BX. Must move my stuff in, somehow. i am totally the only white girl living where i do. >_<
Somehow, theres kinda a lot to do, juggling work and finals and ehhh. also tryn to get upstate to move some of my stuff out and oh yeah, see some people up there. there is so much that i must do....grrrrrrrrwr.
Am wigging out about the financial ness of all this...its mostly the psychological idea of living on my own now, forever, no training wheels.
i wonder if i can do what i want to do and be all right.
pay off debts. monthly bills...
i shouldnt feel freaked out but i do. cuz i mean, i has support, so i shouldnt worry. things are fine, so i shouldnt worry...
there is much going on and i dont really much know what im doing and im sure some of it is all wrong, so i just try not to think about it, and cry on the train to release some stress.
im hoping any strangeness is due to the stress of school and work and moving to be on my own.

btw, flower terrorism is awesome.
you basically creep around a neighborhood, planting seeds in people's yards. we did morning glories, and i tried to get us to name every single seed (irritating, im sure but whatever-one seed, already growing, was dubbed Zoidberg cuz the tendrils looked like crazy tentacles).
i always have a good time there. i like meeting up at the 59th street station, riding back together, making dinner, watching movies, gardening, whatever we do, its always...just good.
somehow.
btw, dexter is such a great show.
ive been obsessed with watching it all online.
michael c hall is the MAN.

It took nearly 24 years but I finally trust someone, am close with someone.

And its not that I haven't ever trusted anyone, or that I wasn't ever close with someone....i trust to different degrees. but rarely completely do i trust another person. duh.
and its not that i haven't tried to be close or had moments of closeness...but that trust, that closeness with others never felt safe, right. easy, natural. like it had always been there.
it always felt like a blanket, too tight it hurt and not comfortable and i just wanted to get away or wanted the blanket to be a bit looser so i could be comfortable, or the blanket was too loose a blanket, chilly, unsafe. felt insecure.
and with that blanket...ive never felt that the blanket was a sure thing.
i didnt expect there to even be a blanket, if that makes sense. maybe the metaphor went too far.

i trust someone.
its not scary. im not worried, or anxious.
i can be myself, and its okay.
someone can see me at my worst, when i dont want to be seen. someone can care about me and worry about me, even if i just want to be alone. i can know stuff that is dark and shameful to another, and its okay. its all vice versa.
im not worried, rationally or irrationally...that theyre gonna leave. theyre gonna sick of me, talking about kitties. theyre not gonna lose touch, not gonna sleep with my friend, not gonna tell me what to do or how to be, not gonna be selfish, not gonna want to stop being friends, not gonna get scared, not gonna hear but will listen. will not know me, cuz its easy to know someone, but understand me.
once i feel that way...god its beautiful.
i think its so beautiful.
it took some time to get here, too. it wasnt easy it was bumpy. im not worried that its going to go away, but i do think it will change, cuz it has already, so much. but its gotten only more beautiful as time goes on.
it makes so much crap worth it.
it makes me stronger, it makes me happy to say the least.
its like home. i am home, and i have a family-at least of one.
quite literally, we think the sun shines out the ass of the other, always have, always will.
me at the most optimistic i have ever been about another.
but it makes me feel like i am me, the way i want to be. me again.
w00t and whatnot.

Date:	2008-04-07 16:10
Subject:	Bit Over a Month Left of This Routine Until A New Routine That I Can Kvetch About
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

Gotta be honest. Im goin kinna crazy.
I go to class all day monday, wake up mad early to get to manhattan to work tuesday morning, spend the night in the bronx and then get up early to work again wednesday morning.
get movn back to purchase for class on thursday. mosey on back to manhattan friday to work, spend the night wherever I can on friday in order to work on saturday, to mosey on back to purchase saturday night and then be sort of comatose until monday's classes.
And oh yes, yes, do some homework.
Im not complaining, its not that bad actually, the working/commuting.
its the after I graduate part that I fret over.
Even when it makes no sense to do so, I cruise craigslist for apartments SO MOSHE-even though it may be too soon to do so, I have no idea how much I can afford for rent yet, I've never had to get my own place to live so I don't know how to go about that anyway and and. even if I had the money for security and first month's rent and stuff...that would be the majority of all my money, what about money to commute? money for food? money for a bed in the place?
Not to mention the monthly bills that I have to keep paying anyway but will also increase in price when I graduate.
I know I have a place to crash when I graduate...but oh my GAWD EWWWW. even just doing that for the spring break it was terrible.
I am all fretful and stuff.
AAARGH.
this. this. SUXORS.